Thursday, December 07, 2006

Full Moon

So the solicitor emails yesterday to say that if all goes well we could exchange in about ten days time. And that means completion sometime in January. Can I come in early next week and sign the paperwork?

I must find somewhere to live and soon. At lunchtime I call the main letting agency in Hereford. One flat only on their books which may be available sometime in January. Or not. They will send me a registration form. The flow of properties for rent has dried up because of Christmas.

My stomach does a free fall and the voices start. Why are you selling a perfectly good apartment when you have nowhere to go? You are making the worst mistake of your life. And so on. I begin to believe what they say.

Walking home from the Tube I summon up my defences and recite my mantra. You have had this dream a long time. It has been tested. All you have to do is the next right thing. That is all you have to do. The next right thing. Try not to dramatise. A lot of this anxiety is learned behaviour, habit, nothing more. I consciously slow my breathing which is by now very close to hyperventilation.

Once I get in I phone my sister who confirms that the cat and I can move in with her if we need to. She is instinctively kind and generous and I am grateful for her and for her offer, but she lives on the south coast, even further away than London from where I want to be. Okay then, put the furniture in storage. I can stay in the Hereford area with friends for a few days each week while I look for a new home.

I ring one of those friends. She sounds delighted at the news and says that if her current tenant moves on - a possibility - then I can take his place until I find somewhere to buy. In the meantime she will put the word out and look around for me. And, yes, I can stay at any time.

We hang up and I give the cat his supper, relieved but trying not to focus on the lingering lump of unease in my gut at what is implied here. Overwhelming, major change. Much of it beyond my control. For a period my suitcase may be my home.

When people tell me their worries I have no problem in trusting on their behalf that they are part of a bigger plan, that their road will open up one step at a time. I tell them this. You are in the flow of life I tell them. It will be all right. Just do the footwork and let yourself be carried forward.

When I speak these words to others I know them to be true.


The full moon accompanied me home yesterday evening. Infinitely beautiful and clear, framed by thin, transparent wisps of cloud she sailed above the roofs and chimneys, coolly impervious to the grinding roar of the traffic and the glare of headlights far below on the South Circular.

The air was damp and cold, still too mild for frost, but with a chill, wintry, smoky smell. A reminder of past Decembers, of the passage of the years.


Blogger herhimnbryn said...

Take the next step and the next and the started this journey because you wanted it, you desired step, and the next. Somewhere in Hereford is an abode that is waiting for'll get there.

Your description of a december evening, has me homesick for a cold Uk:)

7:17 am  
Blogger Jean said...

Wonderful news! And, like all wonderful news, very scary! Thinking of you lots, Mary.

10:14 am  
Blogger zhoen said...

Float. Strange feeling, everytime.

I've been watching the same, huge shining moon.

10:59 am  
Anonymous jess said...

Mary, I'm so excited for you. I know the weird mix of dread and anticipation and self-doubt and excitement (however suppressed that part may be at any given moment!) and how long you've been working on this change. You're so right... do the next right thing. Trust! The right opportunity will present when it's time. Pack the suitcase with care, take a deep breath, and then just go.

Looking forward to the next step in your adventure. It's a butterfly wing, you know.

12:45 pm  
Blogger Endment said...

How difficult those things in our lives (good or bad) that create change. Looking forward --- We can see so dimly the future... Yet your post outlines so much hope ---

I hang on to these words of wisdom from Robin Williams, One Hour Photo
"The things which we fear the most in life have already happend to us."

1:19 pm  
Blogger MB said...

How is it that we can disbelieve for ourselves what we utterly believe for others? But I love Endment's quote, it's very anchoring. Much love and encouragement to you, for I do believe for you that things will *somehow* work out.

4:15 pm  
Blogger leslee said...

Oh wow, how exciting, if unsettling! Well, un-settling from one place and eventually settling into the place of your dreams. How cool is that? Good luck through all the upheaval. It appears you have a net beneath your trapeze, so don't worry. It will all work out, I'm sure of it.

12:47 am  
Blogger chuck said...

...and as I move from this place to that place (from "permanence" to "permanence"), I delight in the passing scene, the transitory, the impermanent...

...and simply savor the journey, the Way...and those I meet on this journey...

2:29 am  
Blogger rdl said...

Oh Mary, I don't know what to say, you said it so well - listen to your own advice. I just know it will all work out for you.

2:42 am  
Anonymous Becca said...

Oh Mary ... who would not want to have you as a houseguest?! Tell them that you will write for rent and they will want you to stay forever ... you are a fabulous author.

I thought you might have lived near Bury from the photos in the post of your childhood walk. As an historian and literature fanatic, I love love love your part of the world - everywhere you walk tells a story.

4:00 am  
Anonymous beth said...

Oh, Mary, I recognize that feeling of anxiety so well. But it really will work out - as I tell friends too and find so hard to believe when it's about me! Trust in the words, though. All will be well.

3:02 pm  
Blogger Patry Francis said...

I love your description of the moon. It calms me; I hope it does the same for you. xo

4:57 am  
Blogger Sky said...

"Infinitely beautiful and clear, framed by thin, transparent wisps of cloud she sailed above the roofs and chimneys, coolly impervious to the grinding roar of the traffic and the glare of headlights far below on the South Circular."
Mary, as I read that I wondered if perhaps you were describing your new life - sailing high above the uproar and the anxiety of the unknown? If you let it I imagine it will sail gloriously high and will free you from what has held you down. This is all quite thrilling. :)

8:23 am  
Blogger Tarakuanyin said...

Beautiful. I feel so much the same way. So easy to say "It'll work out," to friends in need, and so hard when it's you going through the upheaval. But I'm glad for your friend and your sister, and I send best wishes your way, a prayer for the moon to watch over you. (o)

5:48 pm  
Blogger Mary said...

HHB: One step, then the next ...

Jean: Thank you .....

Zhoen: Strange is the word.

Jess: I know you've been there.

Endment: Thank you so much for that quote.

MB: Love and encouragment is always welcome.

Leslee: I love that play on words. Un-settling then settling ....

Chuck: I think you're getting close to the answer here :-)

Rdl: As always, thank you.

Becca: ... and thank you too. And am so pleased you enjoyed East Anglia.

Beth: *All will be well*. Yes.

Patry: Seeing the moon soothed and yet it added an unearthly (literally) quality to a momentous day.

Sky: I hadn't looked at it that way, but there is such hope and upliftment in your reading of that sententence. Thank you.

Tky: Watched over by the moon ..... mmm.

8:59 pm  
Blogger Dale said...

Dear Mary. I wonder if anything really good has ever happened to me that wasn't preceded by that feeling of bleakness, exposure, vulnerability? I've been trying to think of exceptions, and I haven't, so far.


3:06 am  
Blogger herhimnbryn said...

M. Letting you know that ABOA is appearing on my blog as a 'Christmas gift'. Hope that's ok with you?

3:37 am  
Blogger Mary said...

xoxo :-)

HHB: I'm honoured. Thank you.xx

9:59 am  
Blogger off line said...

There is beauty in your words here and i believe it is because your mind's eye knows

it will be

like a breath of air

6:13 pm  
Anonymous kate said...

. . . i can't help but believe that you will be absolutely fine with whatever Life brings your way around all of this . . . adventure isn't always safe or easy but it sure beats watching it on tv don't you think??? :) What the heck, yeah? Party on, beautiful woman . . . :)

2:06 am  
Blogger Mary said...

Edie: Thank you ....

Kate: ... and you too. Hugs at this time.

6:33 am  

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