Thursday, November 03, 2005


3rd November

It is calm after the storm. I feel a rainbow where there once were clouds, and while my spirit dances in gratitude, my mind speculates on the next disaster. Duality.

Mary Casey quoted in
Each Day a New Beginning - Daily Meditations for Women

I have been wrestling with demons this week, feeling depressed and unwell, but unwilling to admit that there was anything wrong with me that a change of mental attitude from negative to positive couldn't fix. The fact that some computer instructions brought me to tears because I couldn't understand them meant I was pathetic, nothing more. I told myself I should be putting more effort into looking for work but also knew that if I got a job immediately I simply would not be able to cope with it, I felt so wretched.

Finally, sanity broke through yesterday afternoon and I booked myself a GP appointment for this morning. And yes, I am ill, with a temperature. A sinus infection. I am lucky with my GP and I left, smiling at his humour, with a prescription for antibiotics and a sick note. And now I can give myself permission to lie on the sofa and read, to do nothing with impunity. I can take the whip out of my own hand and put it to one side, at least for the next week.

As I type, the cat is sitting on the window ledge. He goes into Mighty Hunter mode on windy autumn days like this, chattering his teeth, twitching his tail and trying vainly to catch the swirling leaves that tap against the window as they fall.

I feel relieved and grateful for this present moment of calm, however transient it may be. And I will defer speculation on the next disaster for as long as possible.


Anonymous susanne said...

Hi Mary.... oh I could really relate to this post... for weeks I thought it was my attitude and all I had to do was "pull myself together"... yeah right. This week my good humoured GP told me it was a sinus infection and sent me off with antibiotics. I hope you start to feel better soon too!!!

3:17 pm  
Blogger Jean said...

Sorry about the sinus infection - how miserable. Sounds like you did the right thing - lucky you having a doctor who actually makes you feel better instead of guilty and stupid. It always takes me days to install and get to grips with any new computer programme or function, and that's when I feel 100 per cent - absolutely no chance of it not ending in tears if I don't. I completely take back my previous comment about now being the time to play with photo programmes if you have more time than money available!!

4:33 pm  
Blogger MB said...

Sinus infections are miserable; you have my complete sympathy. I'm very glad that you decided to visit your GP rather than continue "self-discipline" -- here's to taking care of ourselves! Now, as long as you are lying on that sofa, perhaps you can watch a video to make you laugh! :-)

4:43 pm  
Blogger moira said...

" nothing with impunity." Heh. I like that, shall take it as my personal goal for a while.

New here, am liking your words.

12:13 am  
Blogger Mary said...

Thank you all.

Susanne: I'm glad I'm not the only one! Started the antiobiotics yesterday a.m and am beginning to feel marginally better already. Really happy to hear from you, and I do hope things are moving smoothly forward at your end.

Jean. Moose: ;-)

Moira: Welcome!!

8:05 am  
Blogger Michael Manning said...

Sorry to hear that you feel so bad at this time and I certainly relate. Please know I am sending you good thoughts!

2:36 pm  
Anonymous beth said...

Glad you got some help and are starting to feel better! And I can also relate to the new computer program/new project issues. Please take good care of yourself and give yourself a needed break.

3:13 pm  
Blogger Dale said...


Get well soon!

10:39 pm  
Blogger Mary said...

Michael, Beth, Dale: Thank you.

7:12 pm  
Blogger Michael Manning said...

Ah! Smart move, Mary and glad you are feeling better. Cheers!

8:28 am  

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