Relief

3rd November

It is calm after the storm. I feel a rainbow where there once were clouds, and while my spirit dances in gratitude, my mind speculates on the next disaster. Duality.

Mary Casey quoted in
Each Day a New Beginning - Daily Meditations for Women

I have been wrestling with demons this week, feeling depressed and unwell, but unwilling to admit that there was anything wrong with me that a change of mental attitude from negative to positive couldn't fix. The fact that some computer instructions brought me to tears because I couldn't understand them meant I was pathetic, nothing more. I told myself I should be putting more effort into looking for work but also knew that if I got a job immediately I simply would not be able to cope with it, I felt so wretched.

Finally, sanity broke through yesterday afternoon and I booked myself a GP appointment for this morning. And yes, I am ill, with a temperature. A sinus infection. I am lucky with my GP and I left, smiling at his humour, with a prescription for antibiotics and a sick note. And now I can give myself permission to lie on the sofa and read, to do nothing with impunity. I can take the whip out of my own hand and put it to one side, at least for the next week.

As I type, the cat is sitting on the window ledge. He goes into Mighty Hunter mode on windy autumn days like this, chattering his teeth, twitching his tail and trying vainly to catch the swirling leaves that tap against the window as they fall.

I feel relieved and grateful for this present moment of calm, however transient it may be. And I will defer speculation on the next disaster for as long as possible.