Tuesday, October 18, 2005

There and back again?

Well, I survived leaving the job. My last day was in fact yesterday, not Friday, due to last minute emergencies. During my notice period I was too busy to worry, but my boss did ask me if I would consider returning after my month off if the terms and conditions were altered slightly. The topic was raised either by him or me several times in my last few days. It wasn't a definite offer, but it was enough to set off anxiety and indecision.

And I started to stress. Should I return or not? What if I never work again? What if I really hate every other job I ever get? But what if I return and miss the perfect job that's out there waiting for me? And is he going to make an offer anyway? And what about the temp who's taken my place? And how disappointed am I going to be if he doesn't? And so on. Boring to everyone except me and even, at the end, boring to me. And, given the current state of the planet, self-centred in the extreme.

Thankfully a returning sense of perspective, assisted by meditation, has prevailed and the anxiety is passing. My boss and I have agreed to meet for lunch in 2 weeks time, and I am going to do my best to put the matter to one side until then. I will meditate and pray about it, and also start to put feelers out elsewhere. And trust that the right answer will come.

Jean has a good post today on her blog about anonymity and semi-anonymity in the blogosphere, and the limits that this imposes. Writing occasionally about work, as well as about my chequered past, are two of the main reasons I don't go public. I guess I also value having a space to work things out and explore topics and issues comfortably without feeling constricted in case anyone I know/work with finds my blog.

I'm heading south-east tomorrow for the first of my three mini-holidays, this one to the Kent coast for a couple of days at a B&B with a friend. I return to London for a one-day pit stop, then am off westward here to a wedding on Saturday, and end up a little further west again for a few days with family. I may be able to check in briefly on Friday, otherwise I will be back next week.

The weather forecast is not terribly positive ..... but it won't stop a good time being had by all. (Fingers crossed!).


Blogger MB said...

Did it feel awkward to not leave on Friday but linger through to Monday? I don't know about you but loose ends can bother me – things like that, or like the offers to return. I prefer my life tidier than that. Of course, life seldom is, which is why I appreciated your poem about transitions so much! I'm glad you've given yourself a little grace period in which to mull things over; I have faith you'll find the right answer in time. You are wise to stay anonymous if you are writing about work. People have been dooced for it before!

I hope you have wonderful travels over the next week or so! I was in Bath a few years ago – off-season, the best time in my view, right before the bank holiday – and it was lovely (the walking trails, oh!). I hope you enjoy each of these trips and are able to relax and center yourself once again! You'll be missed.

9:32 pm  
Blogger zhoen said...

Te last bit of a job youknow you are leaving is so annoying. You left for good reasons, and change is good. Courage, friend. Move forward and jump out into the unknowable.

You just never know what might be waiting for you.

10:22 pm  
Blogger Dale said...

Have a grand vacation!

12:47 am  
Blogger Michael Manning said...

Sending you Good Vibes and a sense of relaxation. It helps to get a perspective once you are away from the source I think.

1:45 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, just found your blog, very nice!
Courage from across the pond... that your course will run true... that you find the work you are meant for...


9:03 pm  
Blogger Mary said...

Thank you all so much for your positive and supportive comments. They helped and are helping. Yes, Moose, its the untidy endings that I find it hard to cope with.

Muffy: Thank you for your comment and welcome!

9:44 am  
Blogger Parton Words said...

Hey there 'Mary'....(not her real name). Interesting thoughts about annonymity and the world of blogging. Mine is very linked back to me by a number who read it. I'd still like to think that I have the strength to be honest.

I like yours. You write well.


11:14 am  
Blogger Mary said...

Mark: Thanks for visiting. I think you are my first commenter from Down Under!

I have a feeling I will be revisiting the anonymity topic periodically ... ideally I would like to tell some real-life people about my blog - haven't plucked up courage yet though.

1:48 pm  
Blogger Parton Words said...

Where as mine is out there. I've actually mentioned the address on the radio.

I guess that does make it somewhat limiting.

6:58 pm  

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